Three Ways to Create Consent Within Your Marriage

The Salt Lake Tribune recently published an article titled, “Teaching Teens About Healthy Relationships and Consent.” Brittney Badget-Gleed shared easy ways to start conversations of consent with teens to support them in their friendships and dating relationships. Consent is important for all ages in all relationships, but what about marriage?  Where does consent fit once we’ve said “I do.”?  Did saying ,”I do” at the alter give a blanket “yes” to sexual activities with your spouse? The short answer is no, but if you weren’t raised with the knowledge, language and skills of consent, you may not know how to create a relationship of consent in your marriage. 

Consent isn’t a one time moment but an ongoing conversation about what you like and want, physically and sexually, regardless if you’re married or not.  It can seem that once you’ve been to the alter to solidify your commitment, your sexual relationship falls in line. However, this is where couple’s often get into trouble. Rather than having conversations around what their spouse wants or doesn’t want sexually, these intimate issues are often being assumed or approached in a way that creates strain and fractures in the foundation of trust. Adopting a practice of consent throughout your marriage will ensure you are on the same page as you grow and evolve in your sexuality as individuals and couples. Whether you are engaged to be married or have been married for many years, introducing consent in your sexual relationship is always a good idea. 

Three Tips For Creating Consent Within Your Marriage:

1. Have a conversation about what consent means to you.

While this may seem basic, it’s one of the most important starting points of having a relationship of consent. Because many of us didn’t grow up in a culture of consent (we’re looking at you 80’s and 90’s movies) we may have very different ideas around what consent means, especially when it comes to marriage. Remember, just because you’re married doesn’t mean everything you want to do and when you want to do it is on the table. No, it just means that you have decided to be committed to one another for your lifetime and you get the opportunity to decide together what you want sexually and what you don’t. A conversation around consent can be as simple going for a drive, sitting on your porch, sharing a drink or grabbing a bite to eat and each of you answering what consent means to you. Take it up one level and create a shared understanding of what consent is within your relationship. 

2. Create a “Want, Will, Won't” list.

A “Want, Will, Won’t” list will help you identify your boundaries and desires within your sexual relationship. Using this free download, fill out each column. You can use sticky notes for each item so you can move them around the columns. In the “want” column, fill it in with the sexual activities you want to do. In the “willing” column list the activities you are willing to try or are willing to have a conversation about. Some people have expressed that they don’t know if they are willing to try something because they don’t know what “it” is. That’s a great opportunity to deepen your intimacy and have a conversation about the items you don’t know about. Lastly, fill out the “won’t” column. These are your hard no’s within your sexual relationship. There is no particular order you need to fill them out in, it’s simply a tool for you get clear about your own sexuality, learn more about your partner’s sexuality, and create a shared understanding of your relational sexuality. Update and adjust as often as needed. 

3. Respect each others boundaries.

Healthy relationships are built on consent and respecting the boundaries within it are a critical element of that. If you don’t have the power to say no to a sexual request, you don’t truly have the power to say yes. Consent is freely given without pressure or coercion and can be taken away at any point. A healthy relationship is built on love, not on control. When we respect each other’s boundaries we create relational safety which allows us to be open and vulnerable. Sexual health is a balance between pleasure and safety. If we want to feel intimately connected, respecting each other as individuals will help you obtain that. One way you can support this is by discussing a few key questions:

• How do we want to handle our sexual desires when they don’t match up? 

• How do we approach each other when we haven’t had sex in a while?

• How would we both like to be declined with a sexual advance?

If you find you are struggling with communicating about sex in your relationship, working with a sex therapist can guide you through these questions and other conversations about sex. It’s not uncommon for people to not know how to talk about sex and our trained specialists are here to help. Call or text us at 801-305-3173 to schedule a consultation with a certified sex therapist.