5 Tips For Creating Less Stress And More Connection In Your Dating Life
Written by Yennhi Hoang, LCSW
Dating typically doesn’t have the best reputation…
Being ghosted
Feeling hopeless as you endlessly swipe through people you’re not interested in on an app
Anxiety over whether they like you or not
Settling over anyone who is remotely interested out of fear of never finding someone
Drained from making tons of effort to pursue others and not getting that effort reciprocated
The good news is it doesn’t have to be this way! Most people date from an unconscious headspace that leads to stress and anxiety. As an alternative, I love supporting clients to engage in conscious dating.
What is conscious dating?
I love this explanation from A Definitive Guide to Conscious Dating - Ecstatic Intimacy, “Conscious dating starts, first and foremost, with a commitment to authenticity. The choice to be authentic eliminates game-playing, performing, and pretending right from the start. Conscious dating means that you commit to being yourself and trusting that when both people show up as themselves, the relationship will develop into a committed relationship, if it’s meant to. Or it won’t. With a conscious dating approach, no one is ghosted and both people can move on with respect and minimal heartache when they aren’t a match.”
Here are some specific examples to differentiate unconscious from conscious dating from Conscious Dating: From Swiping Right to Dating Right - In Session Psych
Example 1:
Unconscious dating: “I need to be sure this person likes me and commits to me.”
Conscious dating: “I need to be sure to get to know this person and see if we’re a good fit for each other.”
Example 2:
Unconscious dating: “It’s more important to know that my relationship with my significant other appears perfect in our posts on social media.”
Conscious dating: “It’s more important to know that my significant other and I can navigate big emotions and life events together.”
Example 3:
Unconscious dating: “I want to fix this person.”
Conscious dating: “I want to grow alongside someone who is also willing to do the work.”
Example 4:
Unconscious dating: “I put my partner’s needs first, so I will hide or minimize many of my thoughts, feelings, and needs.”
Conscious dating: “I know that my needs are equally valuable to my partner’s, so I communicate my own thoughts, feelings and needs.”
5 Tips For Conscious Dating
1. Take it slow - be mindful of the pace of relationship progression
Time and time again people connect with someone for a month, feel good, then decide they’re the one. Then a few months later people realize, “oh crap, I didn’t notice we hold opposite views on this topic that is a huge deal for me”, or “ooh…they take my feedback really personally and aren’t able to handle their emotions.” None of these are necessarily automatic red flags, but cautionary yellow flags that you may not know within a few weeks of connecting with someone.
Of course, making new connections is fun and exciting! However, a common mistake I see is people jumping way too quickly from dating to life partner status. I think part of this is because if we jump quickly to commitment, our brain thinks there’s this illusion of safety and security in the relationship. On the other hand, taking things slowly allows you to build the foundation for your relationship to stand strong on. Safety and trust are built slowly over time.
Just because you can go from 0 - 100 mph doesn’t mean you should. You may miss some stop signs, turns, and red flags along the way. Even if things look like green flags from the get go, there are just things you may not know about someone or dynamics that may not play out without giving it some time.
Listen, if it’s meant to be it’ll be.
What flows, flows. What crashes, crashes.
2. Focus on compatibility, rather than solely looking at chemistry
Being clear on what your lifestyle, vision, and values are will be a guide to figuring out what type of person would align well with you. That doesn’t mean you have the exact same desires, but there needs to be compatibility.
There may be a ton of people who you are a match with in terms of values, but perhaps your lifestyles aren’t a match. For example, maybe you want to raise children close to family and the other person’s dream is to travel around the world and be gone for months on end.
There will likely be plenty of people you think are interesting, attractive, or exciting all around. But that doesn’t necessarily mean they are a good match for you as a romantic partner. Maybe they’re a good match as someone you want casual sex with or as a friend, but they’re not aligned as a romantic partner. That’s okay.
Most connections that fizzle out have nothing to do with you not being enough, it just wasn’t a good match. Basically, you dodged a bullet.
3. Detachment from outcomes with each connection
Focus on seeing all of the people you come across as a connection.
What type of relationship would we like together? Are we better as friends? Are we better as business partners? Would our dynamic work as a romantic relationship? Be open to the connection evolving into whatever feels good for the both of you, rather than assuming every “dating” connection is meant to be a romantic relationship. This will allow things to feel much more relaxed by having fewer expectations that this connection has to lead somewhere.
Each experience with someone can help you understand what you want and don't want in a partner. Learning what you can from each connection can just be preparing you for the next person who may be a better fit for you.
4. Prioritize what makes YOU feel good in a relationship
So often we are focused on “do they like me?” that we forget to check in with “do I like them?”.
Ask yourself: How do I feel after I spend time with them? Can I be my authentic self or do I have to shift how I am so they’ll like me? Does conversation flow easily or do I have to force connection?
Don’t let loneliness lower your standards.
For example, if you feel the best when you have a partner who pursues you and plans dates, find someone who feels good doing the planning. If from the very beginning you feel like you are chasing them and not receiving the effort back, that may not set you up for high relationship satisfaction. If you deeply desire physical touch and that is not even on the other person’s radar, this may cause issues down the road. While all of these things can be worked through if you chose to be together, there likely is someone who naturally fits more in your life.
On this note, be sure to be clear and direct about what makes you feel good. For instance, you could say:
It really makes me smile to have someone plan a date for me and pick me up for it.
I would melt if you brought me flowers. (Instead of saying, it would be nice if one day someone brought me flowers).
I feel so good when you send me a text in the middle of the day saying you’re thinking of me.
I feel really love when you buy me a snack at the store you think I’ll like without me asking.
5. Be aware of your triggers and actively work through them
This is HUGE. Relationships will inevitably bring out your unhealed wounds. This means that in a dating sphere your unconscious triggers, habits, behaviors, and beliefs rise to the surface.
For example, maybe you have abandonment traumas from your past that is showing up as anxiety that anytime they don’t text you back immediately you think they’re leaving you.
Maybe you find yourself pulling away when someone is pursuing you because you’ve never trusted someone to give you love.
Maybe you impulsively want to cut off the person at any possible red flag.
Maybe you take it deeply personally that you aren’t good enough if the person lets you know you aren’t a good fit.
Processing these experiences with someone you trust and working through whatever it is that is coming up will set you up for success to engage in healthy and secure relationships. Reach out to us at The Healing Group for support in navigating these issues and being your best self.
Happy dating!
