Addressing Out Of Control Sexual Behavior
By Braxton Dutson, LCSW, CST
What is addiction?
Merriam-Webster defines “addiction” as “a compulsive, chronic, physiological or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity having harmful physical, psychological, or social effects and typically causing well-defined symptoms (such as anxiety, irritability, tremors, or nausea) upon withdrawal or abstinence: the state of being addicted”.
Interestingly enough, when searching for “sex addiction”, Merriam-Webster doesn’t have a definition.
This seems to be an issue. I work with clients who identify as having a porn addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, and many other variations. The issue I see is people identifying as having an “addiction”, and the definition is so broad.
“I can’t stop looking at pornography,” many clients report to me. “I struggle to stay away from ‘happy ending’ parlors,” reports another. “I imagine what women look like in their underwear, even those who are not my wife. I’ve never done anything outside of our marriage and I don’t plan to, I just have these thoughts all the time.”
The single common thread each of these clients brings to the table? They all identified as “addicted.”
There are more common attributes these individuals share. Each of them feels A LOT of distress. These actions challenge their values and beliefs in some form or another. That is truly distressing! I’ve found that stating, “I’m addicted to (insert sexual action here)” seems to end the conversation about what is happening in the person’s life, without exploring the full scope of things. What are the urges? When do the thoughts come up? HOW MUCH control are they actually showing but don’t see it?
Often times the desires you have are not in line with your values, religious/personal beliefs, relationship agreements, and how honest you feel you can be to yourself. This is what creates distress and friction in one’s life, leading a person to feel out of control and that life is unmanageable.
Understanding Out Of Control Sexual Behavior
I’d like to introduce a concept by Doug Braun-Harvey and Michael Vigoritto: Out of Control Sexual Behavior (OCSB for short).
The concept and therapeutic process explores the client’s experience of feeling out of control and what affects that feeling/experience. Working with a qualified therapist, clients explore and build their sexual health by utilizing the Six Principles Of Sexual Health. Those principles are:
Honesty
Consent
Non-Exploitation
Shared Values
Mutual Pleasure
Freedom from STI/STD/Pregnancy (if one desires)
Sexual health is explored by addressing what the client wants to experience and supports them in altering their decisions while understanding why they choose the actions they engage in.
Hope For Overcoming Out Of Control Sexual Behavior
If you or someone you care about is experiencing negative consequences from sexual behavior that feels out of control, there is hope!
At The Healing Group, we offer a group for men to address their out-of-control sexual behaviors. In our Men’s Empowerment Group, you can expect to learn and engage the Six Principles Of Sexual Health, identify and engage with other men working to build their sexual health plans and to offer support to others who experience distress in their behaviors. Group members hold each other accountable to agreements, not just sexual agreements, but agreements made in and outside of the group. Members explore what leads them to feel out of control and support slowing down a process of decision-making. Most of all, group members feel supported, cared for, and benefit from the guidance of an AASECT certified therapist, providing hope and healing.
If you’d like to join our Men’s Empowerment Group contact a Client Care Coordinator for more information. Call or text 801-305-3171. Group size is limited, so reach out today!