What Is Consent? Exploring Consent And Compulsive Sexual Behavior

By Braxton Dutson, LCSW, CST

Consent Is The First Principle Of Sexual Health

Consent is a topic frequently in the spotlight, and increasingly so. The "Me Too" movement of 2017 has sparked a lot of conversations about sexual assault, consent, and how they are related. Suddenly, sexual assault that had been previously brushed under the rug was out in the open as people shared about things that happened to them without their consent. People found strength in numbers and new ways to find healing.

It’s often easy to understand consent in the context of sexual assault. Is that the only reason we should be worried about consent? What about consent when it comes to relationship agreements? 

It can feel a bit confusing because the actions you may be taking are not necessarily sexual assaults on another human. However, the topic of consent is hugely related to relationship agreements and satisfaction. It is also the first principle of sexual health. 

What Is Consent?

What is the definition of consent? Consent is "permission for something to happen or agreement to do something." Consent is important for sexual acts between partners, but can also apply to other scenarios, such as permission to share a sandwich, or an agreement to give someone a ride to the airport. An understanding of consent is essentially an understanding of respect for boundaries and plays an important role in many scenarios throughout our lives.

Consent in a relationship can be tricky at times because there are a lot of situations where the couple feels consent is automatic. For example, some people might assume that being married or in a committed relationship might mean that all forms of physical affection are welcome at any time, because it is the relationship status that defines that. Right? Ehhh, maybe not always. Check out this great post about three ways to create consent within marriage.

Consent can also be problematic when it's not discussed. For example, when a partner is expressing themselves sexually and their partner doesn't know about it or thinks, "They'd never do that because we have the same values and that means it's not even an issue." 

That thinking is problematic because it assumes behaviors, avoids direct conversations, and creates unclear boundaries. When expectations are unclear it is hard to have consent. Just because someone hasn’t explicitly voiced that they are not ok with something does not mean they have given consent, either.

Consent and Out-of-Control Sexual Behavior

In our Men’s Empowerment Group, we explore what actions are important to you, your relationship, what you plan on doing, what you feel ambivalent about, and what you plan to not do. This exploration allows you as an individual to explore what is pleasurable for you, what is consensual in your relationship, and what actions support your relationship agreements. 

In the group, you’ll set up some consensual agreements as well. These agreements might include arriving on time, taking ownership of your actions in the group, communicating your needs, and supporting others in their needs. 

Exploring consent with yourself and others allows you to have direct and honest conversations with your partner about your sexual health and theirs. This supports decision-making and an overall relationship agreement where you're both understanding what you've agreed to. 

To explore consent and other topics related to healthy sexuality, call 801-305-3171 to schedule an appointment with a sex therapist or to join our Men’s Empowerment Group.