How To Make Friends As An Adult
Written by Yennhi Hoang, LCSW
Did you know there is a “loneliness epidemic” in America?
It’s true. According to the U.S. Surgeon General, one out of two Americans is experiencing measurable levels of loneliness at any given time. Loneliness not only feels awful, it’s bad for our health. Loneliness leads to higher rates of anxiety, depression, heart disease, stroke, dementia, and premature death.
Yikes, right?!
So, what do we do? One thing that I hear frequently is the struggle to make friends as an adult. If you have struggled with this, you are not alone!
In the spirit of friendship, I am going to speak to you like I would a friend and dial down my therapist tone.
So what qualifies me to write this article? Humbly, I am THE queen of making friends as an adult. The abundance of deep, meaningful friendships in my life would support that statement. If you’d like, I can also submit references and testimonials.
Before we dive into the logistics of “how,” let’s chat about the beliefs and mindset that may be getting in the way of making friends. Because let’s be real, if you believe that everyone is a backstabber or that you aren’t cool enough, making friends is going to feel like an uphill battle.
Common Mindset Blocks When Making Friends As An Adult:
I am not cool enough for others to want to be my friend. I’m socially awkward and weird. No one would like me.
I cannot trust anyone.
Everyone already has their friends.
I don’t want to get hurt. I’ve been disappointed by friends in the past.
I highly recommend working through any fears, anxieties, and insecurities with a therapist if you desire additional support. Putting work into your personal growth will pay dividends for many years to come!
Loving reminder: You don’t need to be 100% confident with zero anxiety to push yourself out of your comfort zone.
It’s not about getting to a place of zero anxiety before you take the first step. Instead, focus on increasing your ability to tolerate discomfort. All of our therapists at THG are skilled at supporting you in regulating your emotions/body reactions so you can build this skill.
Listen - you are doing something new, of course your body is going to have feelings about it! Perhaps we can also choose to see these body sensations as a sign that your brain is interpreting excitement as anxiety.
There’s this saying of “fear is excitement without breath.” Nervous about showing up to an event alone? WOO! We are actually pumped at all the possibilities of connection.
3 Tips For Making Friends As An Adult
Join activities/groups that you are interested in. And yes, maybe even show up alone.
Part of what makes friendship easy in the school years is that we have this common thing bringing us together, such as class, sports, and extracurricular activities.
Just because we are adults doesn’t mean those things have disappeared, we just get to make a little extra effort to make it happen.
For example, recently I thought, “hmm, I want to meet queer climbers.” With a quick Google search, I found out there’s an organization called “Salt Lake Area Queer Climbers” who happen to do weekly meetups. BOOM. Instant group of people with common interests!
Maybe you’re a new mom who loves the outdoors - I guarantee there are an abundance of other moms who want the same thing and there are organized groups for it already.
I was chatting with a queer person lately who was not loving their book club that only selected heterosexual romance novels. Fun fact - there is a SLC Lesbians Book Club at the bookstore Under the Umbrellas. I promise there is community if we look for it.
Websites such as Meetup.com can be a great place to start.
Another idea could be asking people you already know if they know anyone who is interested in X, like Dungeons and Dragons, roller skating, or crocheting. Whatever you are into, I guarantee others exist too.
Post on social media that you are seeking someone to join you for an activity.
Yes, this one requires some vulnerability. Here are some screenshots from my personal Instagram that I actually put out there. With both of these public requests for friends/support, I had several people reach out both times to connect!
Practice trying new things alone.
This is where the “learning how to tolerate discomfort thing” we chatted about earlier comes up.
Most people have a tendency to “need” someone to go do stuff with, like concerts, restaurants, festivals, and events.
I do admit there are some events that are especially fun to go with a group.
And, going as a single individual person creates so many opportunities to connect with new people. When we go with someone, we tend to stick to them and not reach outside of our comfort zone as much.
Start conversations in lines with people. Or just relax and enjoy some people watching. Walk up to someone that you’re feeling drawn to and say, “Hey, I am here solo, cool if I hang with you for a little?”
In my experience, most of the time people are more than happy to let you join. And if they say no or you’re not feeling it, it says nothing about you as a person. They’re just not your people and that’s okay.
When it comes to making friends, time and effort pay off. You got this!
If you feel you need some support in overcoming fears or becoming the type of friend you would like to have, contact The Healing Group to make an appointment with a therapist! Call or text 801-305-3171 to get started on your healing journey today.
